I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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