did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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