some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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