I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
