she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
