He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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