It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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