This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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