Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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