I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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