these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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