chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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