My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
