I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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