It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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