it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
