Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
