Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Randomize
