guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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