I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
you traded sex for a burrito?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
