The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
