Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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