Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Sext me about skeletons
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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