Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
