Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
