I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
