I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
