My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
