is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
