there's paper in my vomit.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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