she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
