Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I will be naked everywhere
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
