If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Randomize
