she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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