Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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