I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
