a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
