Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
