Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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