You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Randomize
