I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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