To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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