in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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