So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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