I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
operation have a gay friend backfired
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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