worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
