If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
