I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
