She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
