I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
