he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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