mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Randomize
